Friday 29 February 2008

A Letter To Sheryl Crow


You either get this or you don't.


Dear Miss Crow,

I am writing to you in relation to your unspeakably dire new album Detours. I find it to be a most rotten dirge. A pus ridden inflammation on the cornea of decency. Every second of its duration is an offence. However, there is one song in particular that annoys me more than the others. It is called "Gasoline".

In depth criticism of your efforts here could go on forever, so I shall be swift... What in the name of Gandhi's crusty gooch is that chorus about?

"Gasoline will be free, will be free! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" (Repeat 4 times)

Ok then. Sheryl, I'm imagining that this is your feeble attempt at some sort of socio-environmental commentary. If so, please have another glance at your lyrics there petal. A few problems lie within, don't you think?

First off, if gasoline was to somehow become a magically gratis natural resource, how would this be a good thing? Let us ignore the immediate and devastating collapse of the world's economy for a moment, and deal with your proclamation on a purely ecological level... You are, or are you not, an obsessive enviromentalist? So, if gas - or petroleum as it is known in the evolved English - was suddenly the cheapest natural resource on the planet, what would that instigate? Oh yeah, its consumption on a heretofor unprecedented scale! Excuse me if I'm incorrect here, but wouldn't that completely fuck up Auntie Earth quicker than we're managing already? However, I suppose you could use as many sheets of bog roll
as you'd want in this apocalyptic eventuality. Every acid rain cloud has its sulphuric lining, wha?

Secondly, in case you counter with an argument for the chorus' resonance on a metaphorical level, I shall just say this... The freedom of gasoline as a metaphor? The intensely distilled and fossilised remains of extinct creatures... Ok... Which whereupon the surface of the earth shall be set free - your words - to wreak their well documented devastation on every biological milieu they infiltrate... Right...

You're one mad twit Sheryl. With one terrible new album.

Yours apoplectically,

The New(ish) Journalist.

5 comments:

Captain Pedant and the Correcteers said...

I would just like to point out that the rest of the world does not call gasoline petroleum, but rather petrol, which is short for petroleum distillate.

Anonymous said...

Just to draw your attention to the original blog post...
http://www.sherylcrow.com/news/default.aspx/nid/7786
I think you'll agree that the words "tongue in cheek" come to mind, especially when you get to the part about the "dining sleeve".

Given the way the press decided to spin it, it must have been a very slow news day.

As for the lyrics, I presume the idea is that if it was free then the oil companies would be a bit shagged, and unable to go about their dastardly, evil, alternative-fuel-thwarting oil-company ways. Or something?

John Cav said...

Captain Pedant: Touché dude. My grievances with this album's many faults temporarily clouded my grammatical judgement. For shame.

Just out of interest, what are the individual powers/rings of the Correcteers?! I am intrigued.

Anonymous: Ah right, so she's not mad. She's just not at all funny. Fair enough.

By the way, I got the connection between Sheryl's free oil and her distate for oil companies and oh-so-nasty capitalists and all that jazz... I just think it's an awful chorus shrouding an obvious-as-fuck Hollywood Hippie message... I was being, how shall I put this, "tongue in cheek".

Anonymous said...

You're serious, aren't you? You seriously speak out of a pipe coming out of your wide "o" in "Blog" butthole. Do you really think you're always onto something just because you see the world through your superior witty pretention? You should be thanking Sheryl Crow for that song, otherwise you'd have to find something else to moan about in your pathetic blog. Call me a twit, too, because I'm commenting on this when clearly there is no hope of getting your head stuck out of your little blogger butt. I'm sure Ms. Crow is not trying to literally prophesize that "Gasoline will be free" one day in her psuedo-enviromentalist Hollywood realm. Not everyone is as pretentious as you are, dear. Keep that in mind. She means that natural resources are free from the getgo, and one day, everything will return to its natural state and be the way that it is supposed to be. She's trying to show how funny it is that the world makes such a big deal about what is simply, "intensely distilled and fossilised remains of extinct creatures."

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